Ah leadership. My favourite, and least favourite, subject all at the same time.

Leading has always been a blessing and a challenge. The word is derived from the Old English meaning “to go” or “to guide.” Its practical definition means being at the front, often literally, taking a lead, holding tension, and making decisions that have an effect on others, often many others. When it comes to decision-making, you realize in leadership that there are few decisions you can make as a leader that will be universally accepted by others, whether they are affected by the decision or not. Sometimes, the disagreement is not a problem. Perhaps those who disagree are so far off base that you can dismiss their disagreement quite easily. This becomes even less tricky if they are someone with whom you don’t share any close relationship. However, there are times when the disagreement can cause problems. Maybe they are people whom you care about or respect deeply. Perhaps those who disagree aren’t miles off base and what they think isn’t necessarily wrong, just not quite what you were thinking. These moments can cause you to scratch your head and wonder if you’re right. As I was reading through the story of Moses leading the Israelites across the wilderness, I came across a moment where Moses has a leadership challenge on his hands.

Korah son of Izhar, the son of Kohath, the son of Levi, and certain Reubenites—Dathan and Abiram, sons of Eliab, and On son of Peleth—became insolent and rose up against Moses. With them were 250 Israelite men, well-known community leaders who had been appointed members of the council. They came as a group to oppose Moses and Aaron and said to them, “You have gone too far! The whole community is holy, every one of them, and the LORD is with them. Why then do you set yourselves above the LORD’s assembly?” Numbers 16:1-3

Initially, after listening to their complaints, Moses falls facedown, something reserved for moments of fear or worship. It’s clear he was worried by their disagreement. These were not ‘chancers’ who were always causing trouble from the sound of it. We are told that they were well-respected, well-known leaders, and they were not small in number. After their speech, we read that Moses tells them that only God will decide who is holy and set apart. Moses then goes on to remind them of what God has already given them;

Moses also said to Korah, “Now listen, you Levites! Isn’t it enough for you that the God of Israel has separated you from the rest of the Israelite community and brought you near himself to do the work at the LORD’s tabernacle and to stand before the community and minister to them? He has brought you and all your fellow Levites near himself, but now you are trying to get the priesthood too. It is against the LORD that you and all your followers have banded together. Who is Aaron that you should grumble against him? ” Numbers 16: 8-11

Regardless of Moses’ response, the people are unmoved. They refuse to accept Moses’ instruction, and unfortunately, this ends really badly for them. Moses was right, and God did choose him. In the end, their critique was baseless. Reading this has got me thinking about the disagreements I touched on at the start of the post, and more importantly, how these disagreements can deceive us. The question I want us to think about is the following;

How can we deal with disagreement well?

To help us, I want to offer a few things I have learned about disagreeing, how it tends to operate, and how it deceives us in leadership.

1 – Disagreers are always louder than Agreers – I’m not saying they are literally standing with a megaphone in your ear, although I’m sure in some cases this has happened, but it can often feel like that. This makes these moments really tricky to lead and pretty unsettling. Disagreement always seems to be loud. If you’ve ever had a really bad experience in a coffee shop, restaurant, etc., you are more likely to tell others about it than you would if you had a really great experience. We are more likely to leave an online complaint than an online encouragement. While there is something deeply sad about that truth, it is the truth. Disagreement is always louder than agreement. This, of course, can distort how important and urgent the disagreement is.

2 – The Disagreer group is ‘usually’ not as big as you think – 250 opposers sounds like a lot of noise. But 250 out of 22,000 Levites is only 1% of the entire population of 1 of the 12 tribes of Israelites who are with Moses at this point. I’m not a mathematician, but I’m pretty sure this is a minority. I’m not saying that these people aren’t important and that they need to be listened to, but in the grand scheme of all the people that Moses was leading, they are a very small group. This is often true in the world we live in today. The rise of algorithmic opinion, made famous by social media platforms, has filtered into our real-life conversations, and so often we can feel that the overwhelming views of a loud group are what everyone thinks. This is rarely true and is worth remembering as we process the disagreeing responses.

3 – However, Disagreers will artificially expand their group – when people offer opposing opinions, they will often claim to be speaking up for a larger group of ‘people.’ Their comments will often sound like “people are saying that……” or “I am not the only one thinking this….” This tricks us into thinking that the group is large, but what I’ve found in my experience is that often it’s still them and their group of friends. In fact, disagreers have a talent for either attracting other small groups of people who disagree or changing the atmosphere of those in their world so that they end up disagreeing. Don’t fall for the deception, as tempting as it might be. One thing I often do when I am told that “people are saying that” is to ask who those people are. This usually results in a non-response as they tend to have a very small list of people whom they are related to and are close friends with. When I’m faced with a non-response to that question, I follow up by asking how many ‘people’ there are – I try to push for a numerical answer here. Again, the answer is usually avoided because the disagreer realizes their initial statement will lose weight. The other thing I like to do when a messenger scores with ‘feedback’ from a group of people is to ask them directly what they think. My experience is that most messengers agree with the disagreement, or they wouldn’t have brought it. If they truly disagreed, they would have cut it off at the source.

4 – Disagreers don’t usually want to agree – my greatest desire is that everyone would agree, not just with me, but with each other. When I make a decision, I want everyone to be on board 100% – that’s a lot nicer to lead. When people disagree, we can have a good conversation about why a decision has been made, and often there can be a change of heart. However, when someone is just annoyed, the reality is they don’t necessarily just disagree with your decision but with something bigger, and often they simply disagree with you! I know that’s hard to hear, but it is helpful. The reality is when you are in a moment like this, there is little point in arguing back because the person/people won’t hear it, and even if they do, they are too entrenched in their opinion and don’t actually want to move. Sometimes, when a long time has passed, there can be a change of heart, and I always pray for that, but often strong disagreement from loud people is unlikely to shift even in the most reasonable of circumstances.

After reading that, you may conclude that disagreement is just not worth the hassle – just ignore it and get on with it. I understand, but no, because disagreement can be very helpful in allowing us to lead better. How can we better respond to disagreement as leaders?

1 – Don’t allow pride to stop us from listening to the disagreers – as I said at the start of the post, sometimes the disagreement isn’t that far from the truth. Often there is something to be learned from the points that the group is shouting about. It’s not that you have to accept all their disagreements, although this might be the case, but there may be something we can learn. This can be so difficult, especially when the disagreement feels so dishonorable, but let’s not let our egos run the show here. People are wired differently for a reason, and their different wiring can help us see a situation in a way we would never have found on our own.

2 – Remember that every big leadership decision will have disagreement – this will be a tough one to read for those who love harmony, but it is unfortunately true. As leaders, we make decisions to shape the future, and shaping the future usually means disrupting the past and present in one way or another. While everyone wants a new future, they paradoxically don’t like changing their present or letting go of the past. This will always lead to disagreement. Added to that complication is the fact that they might not fully agree on what the new future should look like. Knowing this helps you create a safe space for disagreement, for you and them. When people know that you are aware that harmony won’t totally exist, it sometimes stops the complaining completely, and even if it doesn’t, it tends to make the complaint much less sharp. To use our coffee shop/restaurant example earlier: Imagine the waiting staff bringing you your meal and saying “we’ve tried to make this dish the best we can, but we realize that we have a lot to learn – we’d value your feedback.” If you love the dish, you’ll tell them, and if you don’t, you would offer that critique in a helpful way. However, if they set it down saying “this is the best dish you will ever have” and charged you a fortune for it, your critique is likely to be much sharper. I know it’s a strange example, but hopefully that makes sense.

3 – Know their and your why – I talk about this probably more than anything else. Why a decision is made is more important than what decision is made. Two people might make the same decision, but why they came to that conclusion reveals something much deeper and more important. When we, as leaders, make a call, people will often add their own ‘why’ to the argument – “she is only doing that because she wants……” “He just wants to be recognized by…..” So often, when they complain to you about a decision, they are responding to their perceived why. When we have clearly defined our ‘why’ and have made a decision that is faithful to that why, it will help in a disagreement; it may not create harmony, but it will ensure you enter the debate on sure footing, and even if it doesn’t end in debate, it will stop you from doubting your call or your ability to lead pockets of dissent moving forward.

4 – Watch who is disagreeing – this may be a controversial thing to say, but the reality is not all disagreement is equal. We’ve talked about why it matters, and we know the importance of the vision as a leader. In any organization, church, club, etc., there will be people who are the carriers of that vision, people who appear neutral to that vision, and people who seem to actively live out the opposite of that vision in their lifestyles. I always paid more attention to the active carriers’ disagreement than I ever did to the others. It doesn’t mean they are more valuable as people; it’s that they are more valuable to the vision, and their disagreement is more likely vision-critical than the other groups. When a carrier says “I’m not sure if this is a good call,” I lean in because I know they care for the vision and would only speak up because they feel it is important. Someone who is not in that group is less likely to be talking about something that truly matters to the vision and is more likely to talk often. That doesn’t mean we don’t listen to the other groups, but we need to apply a lot of wisdom in these moments.

That’s a lot of chat, and I really do hope it’s helpful to you. I’m sure there will be some of that which you will disagree with as well… just be kind about it!