One of the aspects of leadership that I hear many leaders talk about is the loneliness that they often feel. It’s one I understand. It’s one I have felt. This feeling usually comes from the fact that leadership positions are by their nature occupied by one person or perhaps one couple who lead together. There may be leadership teams or some shared aspects of leadership but usually at the front there is a singularity when it comes to leading.

This singularity isn’t necessarily bad or good but as I’ve watched leaders and experienced leading myself over the years I have seen how it can create those feelings of loneliness. Sometimes, and this isn’t the main point of this post, it is because poor leaders have refused to listen or take advice from anyone. They become isolated because they believe they are better than anyone else and don’t need to listen or seek council. People will do what they say, but no one is following them because they choose to but because it’s easier to do so than not.

However these same feelings of loneliness also happen with good leaders who do listen, who do invite others in. Why should there be any feelings of loneliness in this case? I have some thoughts!

It all stems from the fact that good leaders tend to care about what they are leading. They understand that whatever they are leading is dependant, not completely of course, upon their care, their effort, their work, and so they will invest heavily. That often means that they are prepared to do more than anyone else. That also means that they feel it more than anyone else. Especially when there is a loss or a win. I think leaders feel those losses and wins in a different way than those around them. There’s something more personal to them in those movements. Organisations lose and win for lots of reasons, some of them are of course down to leadership decisions but many of them are cultural things that are unavoidable regardless of the leader. Nevertheless, leaders tend to take all of those losses and wins personally. It’s often in those winning or losing moments that you can find a leader not joining in with the rest of the team but instead you often find them quietly taking stock at the side. They are often analysing personally their contribution and how their actions helped or hindered a process.

I’ve also realised that a leader will often not move on as quickly from a loss as the rest of the team either. A loss is something the leader carries home, it’s something they wrestle with before bed, and something that often enters their mind from the moment they wake. They also don’t celebrate the win for as long as the team because they are already thinking ahead to the next challenge.

Added to all of this is the fact that there usually aren’t many others you can share those feelings with. This responsibility adds up. Teams don’t tend to feel this level of responsibility. They bounce back quicker from losses. They don’t tend to carry them so personally and therefore find it easier to park those thoughts and mistakes when the day of work ends. They celebrate the wins and aren’t worried about what is next. They share their stuff with each other because they are all in the same boat. That’s not to say that they don’t work hard, don’t carry responsibility or that they don’t care….. I couldn’t be prouder of the team we work with, but it’s just different. I know this from experience. I’ve been part of a team, a leadership team, and I’ve been the ‘buck stops here’ leader. I’ve experienced the same scenarios in each role but the feeling in both positions is very very different.

I’m not saying that this is ok, healthy, or what we should aspire towards, it’s just what I have felt and observed. All of this combined, with other factors we don’t have time to discuss here, can make leading a lonely experience.

The irony here is that as leaders we aren’t alone in these feelings.

I’m always comforted when I hear other leaders, especially greater leaders than me, talk about these experiences. It’s not that I want them to experience those emotions, it’s just good to know it’s not just me. It’s not just a modern day phenomenon either. Moses, the Israelites liberator, had feelings of loneliness too.

The people have begun to complain to Moses because they have left Egypt, the land of their slavery, and haven’t eaten meat for a while. They had begun to even want to go back to Egypt for the taste of food that they could get there. I like meat too but compared to slavery I reckon I could forego meat for a while. Moses hears the wailing, yes the word wailing is used, of the families outside of their tents regarding the lack of meat! It wasn’t the first challenge Moses has experienced while leading the people but this moment tipped Moses over the edge. He begins to talk to the Lord about this problem and then in verse 14 he says;

I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. Numbers 11:14

Oh man, I know that feeling and I’ve never dealt with anything like Moses was dealing with. Just like I talked about earlier, there are times where you feel way too small to carry the burdens and worries that others or you can have on behalf of others. You begin to wonder how on earth it is possible to do it.

Moses then begins to complain and asks God why this trouble has come upon him. Then he says;

If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me…. Numbers 11:15a

Moses is really feeling it. Unfortunately there are many leaders who can get to this place as well. Such is the loneliness and the worry that they carry that leaving it all can feel like a better option than leading. Thankfully the Lord doesn’t let him stay there for long.

The LORD said to Moses: “Bring me seventy of Israel’s elders who are known to you as leaders and officials among the people. Have them come to the tent of meeting, that they may stand there with you. I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take some of the power of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them. They will share the burden of the people with you so that you will not have to carry it alone. Numbers 11:16-17

Wow. I wonder how Moses must have felt in that moment. God does what He said and the burden of leadership is shared with them. Moses still ultimately is the leader but having the team with him lifts off some of the burden. It’s not the last time he has difficult moments leading these people but at least he has a team that can help him.

I know I can’t change the dynamics of leading but I can’t stress enough if you are the sole leader about the importance of having a trusted team that can carry some of the burden of leadership with you. I know, just like I’ve said, that they can’t carry everything, and there are times you aren’t able to share 100% of what is going on in your world but what a resource it has been to me in my leadership journey.

Even with all I have said I truly believe that being lonely as a leader is a choice we don’t have to make. The situations described will crop up but how we react to them is within our control. I don’t want that to sound harsh and I know not every situation is the same, but I believe that we that we have a God above who knows the weight we carry. The even better news is that He is able to lift that weight. We still have to do the work but the pressure, the emotion, the worry, can all be handed to Him. That is a process, not an easy one as we seem to find carrying that stuff hard to shake, but it is one worth persevering with.

One of the practises I often do when I am facing loneliness or the pressure of leading is to stand outside look up and remind myself of all that God is managing right now. Every person, every animal, every tree, plant, flower, and blade of grass gets their life from Him. Presidents, politicians, police, pastors, and parents all are under His care, His gaze. Often reminding myself of that truth helps me remember that I am not alone

And neither are you.

There are many other things we can do as leaders to avoid loneliness but if this is you please bring your feelings to God. Please submit them to Him. Please let Him restore you and remind you that age is with you.

And please share some of the burden with your team and if you don’t have a team please find one, even if they aren’t local to you. They don’t have to work with you but you need people who care for you.

The burden really is too heavy for us to lift on our own.