Psalm 51 in the Bible is written by King David not long after the prophet Nathan had confronted him over an affair he had with the wife of one of his soldiers. Not only had he done this but he arranged to have her husband killed in battle so he was free to have her to himself.

David spends most of the start of the Psalm in confession of his wrongs. He doesn’t specifically talk about the incident in question but instead talks about the sinful nature within him. In verse 10 he pens these words.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:10-12

At this stage in his life David has been in leadership with the Lord for a long time. He has come a long way from the shepherd in the field who was chosen by the prophet Samuel to be the new king. He had 15 years of waiting in which time he killed a giant, foiled numerous plots on his life, fought wars which included many griefs, and mourned his best friends death. When he finally gets to the throne it doesn’t getting easier. We read of plots to usurp him, countless wars, trouble with his team etc. By this stage of his life David has seen a lot, he’s seen Gods faithfulness but he’s also become aware of the wickedness of humankind’s sinful nature.

What David did was absolutely wrong, and there is no way to excuse that, but as I was praying today this passage came into my head and I felt compassion for all David had experienced. The phrase “restore to me the joy of your salvation” was the thing that jumped out for me.

I felt this cry, this longing, within David for the days when he was in the fields as a shepherd. In those days even though he wouldn’t have been valued or revered, life would have been simpler. In those days as he tended the flock I imagine that he prayed and spent uninterrupted time with God. He would have remembered the joy of meeting with the Lord and the Lord saving him back in those days, and in this psalm I feel like he is craving those days again. In Psalm 71, which most commentators think was written by David he says this about his younger years.

For you have been my hope, Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth. From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you. Psalm 71:5-6

I really think David was desiring the simplicity of those days.

I haven’t been through anything like David had in my leadership journey. I’d also like to add that I haven’t had an affair or had a man killed in battle (I feel that’s important to clear up!) However, I have seen an uglier side of leading in church than I ever believed was there. I’ve seen people not be kind to one another. I’ve seen theft, lying, character assassination, politic plays, affairs and unfortunately the list goes on.

I’m aware that if I’m not careful all of these things could taint my heart. These experiences mean there is a real danger of cynicism growing inside me, a cynicism I’ve noticed in some older pastors who’ve been through more than I. I’m also aware of my own deficiencies and sinful attitude. I am far from perfect, I’m just as susceptible to messing up as anyone, and the longer I lead the more I have seen the damage sin can cause.

It’s worth clarifying that I am also closer to God than I’ve ever been, I’ve seen His power, His peace, and His kindness in ways I would never imagine. 99% of me wouldn’t want to start this journey again, but there is 1% of me that longs for simpler days when I knew little and had seen less. The days when I was learning it for the first time and experiencing things brand new. The days when I thought every idea would work and would happen tomorrow!

These thoughts serve as a warning to my soul. They highlight a weariness in me, perhaps even that growing cynicism I mentioned earlier, and something that could manifest in a reduction in my faith expectancy. That is my responsibility to guard. Time and experience will give us wisdom and we will pick up scars on the way. We can’t avoid seeing and feeling the sinfulness of human nature but we are responsible for its affect on us.

Here’s the good news

The Lord doesn’t need to take us back to day one to return the joy of our salvation. He reminds us daily of how He has saved us. Each moment His goodness is evident to us if we want to find it. Each day we have the opportunity to stretch our faith and grow in our devotion to Him. Every morning He renews His promise to us, and least we forget – He is making all things new. We can choose to posture ourselves towards this mindset or not. It’s entirely up to us.

Lord, restore to us the joy of your salvation…..every day