The summer is a time of relationships and it makes me think of an old smallgroup we used to lead back in 2016 called ‘Relationshape’ (cheesy title I know). The goal of the group was to talk to people who were looking for relationships and how they could get into shape for that. It stemmed from a trend I had seen where it was clear the best time to prepare for a potential relationship was well before you were actually in one!

One of the things we used to do on the introduction week was talk about three numbers culture tells us about relationships. I thought I would revisit those here.

The 1 – so many have heard the idea that there is one special person out there that is perfectly suited for you, your ideal, your soul mate. Here’s the truth.

There is no ‘one’ out there for those of us who are single. There isn’t this one special person living in Outer Mongolia who is our only soul mate and unless we find him/her we will never have the perfect relationship again. The whole theory is just ridiculous. Let’s have fun with the concept.

Imagine that my wife’s ‘one’ wasn’t actually me; in fact it was…..let’s say…..Prince William. Unfortunately for Janet I got in the way and wooed her with my chat up lines. Because of me, not only have I stopped Janet and Prince William from having a soul mated Hollywood romance, I might have caused Kate to marry the wrong man as well, meaning her soul mate has done the same thing. In fact because of my mistake everyone in the world who is married has got the wrong person! 

Here is the truth about the one. If we do get together with someone special and you get married they do become your one and after that the search stops!

The (perfect) 10 – there is an idea that their is someone out there who will be a 10 out of 10 in all areas. The truth is that some of us are missing out on wonderful God filled relationships because we are searching for the perfect 10.

“He has to be strong yet sensitive, spiritual yet dangerous, open yet mysterious, be committed to fasting but not skinny, funny, yet good looking and on and on it goes. She has to be sexy yet pure, confident but not overpowering, look after her appearance but be on time and on and on it goes.”

There is no one in the world that can match up to this list. We need to shelve the myths and engage with the reality of what we are looking for in a partner for life. Do I mean that we settle for someone who isn’t great? No, of course not but no one is truly perfect and if we did happen to find someone who is totally perfect don’t go anywhere near them because you will wreck them! We are people, we are flawed, there is no one perfect person out there.

The 2.0 – culture often tells us that if our relationship isn’t going well that it isn’t worth the effort to fight for a better future. Instead it suggests that life with someone else would be free from the problems we are facing and we should try again with someone else. It will be relationship or marriage 2.0.

This again is crazy talk. Every relationship will have its challenges. When you take two different people, from two different backgrounds and put them together, there will be things that clash. One of the beautiful things is working together to solve those issues and end up with a stronger relationship because of it.

People who jump ship and go with the 2.0 option realise very quickly is that the life they imagined with that person doesn’t exist the way they thought it might. Instead we’ll find that a whole other group of issues will arise and they will be forced to choose once again whether they embrace the challenges or jump again.