When I was a younger leader I once offered advice to someone. They were hanging out with someone who I didn’t think was a great influence on them. I advised them that they should stop hanging out with that person and I went on to explain some of my reasoning. Because I was someone this person trusted they took my advice and broke away from the friendship.

It was about 18 months later I met with that person, and they told me that they didn’t agree with the call I had influenced them to make. The 18 months they had distanced themselves from the person had not gone well for them and they had since reestablished that connection. They didn’t say it in so many words (I think) but it felt like I was to blame for how the last period of their life had gone.

It was one of those moments where my brain was scrambling for a response.

Thankfully the Lord was teaching me something about leadership and influence. My response went ‘something’ like this (I wasn’t as concise back then!)

“I’m so sorry this has been a terrible time for you. I’m also sorry that without you asking for my advice I offered it in such a directional way. The truth is I still agree with my advice, but it wasn’t my place to offer to you in that way.“

I’m not sure that relationship every truly recovered but I learned a lot through this conversation.

As leaders we often have influence over the people that we lead. That means that the words we say to them have weight. I know this about people who have influenced me. It doesn’t matter how many people give me feedback, when I hear it from them, I hear it on a different level.

I often forget about this dynamic when I am the one who is leading but it is vital that I remember, and think carefully about when I use that influence. Since that time I have been careful about offering directional advice, even when that advice is being sought out by the asker. It is so tempting to overuse leadership influence and offer directional advice in people’s choices. Here are a number of (ultimately wrong) reasons why;

• It’s quicker – rather than spend all that time waiting for them to work it out surely it would be more helpful to speed up the process?
• It’s correct (usually) – as a leader who has gained a little more experience I am confident in the advice I give. I don’t get it right all the time but I think I get more right than wrong. When I can see clearly what the right thing to do is for someone else surely it makes sense to direct them towards the right choice rather than them get it wrong?
• Others do it – I’ve watched many times as other leaders do this to influence people. Their intentions are good but I’ve watched sadly how people have chosen paths based on the opinions of another. Everything within me wants to step in and do the same but instead I’ve had to watch as things unravelled. If those leaders are doing it, surely I should too?

As leaders I feel we need to move from always giving answers and direction to asking questions and offering support. Instead of giving these strong opinions based on our own wisdom we need to point the person towards Jesus and use non-manipulative questions to help them to come to a wise conclusion. Whatever the conclusion, we need to offer them support with no “I told you so’s” if it doesn’t work out. Here’s why this is important;

• Training – giving people our opinions and answers usually doesn’t teach anyone anything. However, asking questions that allow them to come up with their answers and arrive at their own conclusions means that we are training them how to deal with the next situation that arises in their life.
• Ownership – when we personally arrive at a decision after a discernment process we will own and persist with that decision even when times get hard. Why? Because it is our decision. It was something we fought for and therefore we own it. It is no longer something that was handed to or ‘gently imposed’ on us.
• Confidence – by giving people responsibility and our support even when they get it wrong allows them the confidence to step out and make decisions rather than delay or pander to popular opinion alone.

This is just part of learning to lead like a Father who wants to grow up others around them. Leaders lets be aware of our influence and not let that influence stop someones choice.

Sorry if this sounded like directive advice you didn’t ask for 😂